It's Normal Being Abnormal

          One time where I didn’t feel normal was when I began to question my beliefs about religion. I did not have a strong religious upbringing. My parents told me we were Lutheran, and my siblings and I were all baptized in a Lutheran church, but aside from that, I had little to no knowledge over Christianity, the Bible, or any other religion. I had never even attended church before. This wasn’t a big deal until I reached high school, where it felt like a lot of people my age seemed to suddenly have this cache of religious knowledge, and a passion for their beliefs. I felt odd for lacking this same interest. 

Also, when people started referencing things in the Bible, or any common knowledge about Christianity, most of the time it just went straight over my head. In this way, I did try the concept of passing because rather than asking what people were talking about, I nodded along and pretended that I knew exactly what we were discussing. A couple individuals, such as my peers or even family members, held such strong beliefs that they were openly hostile to people who didn’t share the same views as them, although these people were very few and far between. If I ran into these people, I remained silent about my own doubts over religion. I had no wish to experience something similar to what my sister had, who was told she was “going to Hell” by one of our neighbors when she was in elementary school.

            Eventually, I came to consider myself to be agnostic (and later atheist). I don’t know what made me stop pretending that I was religiously-inclined. Maybe it was a growing sense of confidence and acceptance with myself and who I was that allowed me to openly share this fact with others. Maybe it was because I had learned more about Christianity by then, although I was no expert, so I felt more convinced of my own beliefs. Perhaps it was because, in junior high and high school, many of us were still learning who we were, and we were still coming into ourselves as individuals. That can be a difficult and turbulent time to navigate, so maybe it was altogether a combination of time, knowledge, and understanding of myself that made me openly embrace this part of myself.