The Shadow Self

Deepak Chopra explains that every person, superhero or not, has a “shadow self.” These “shadows” are imbalances contained with the psyche that can cause a person to be consumed by his or her flaws. Chopra goes on to say that embracing our darker qualities and learning how to handle them can potentially transform these shadows into some of our greatest strengths. Therefore, I have decided to delve into my shadow self and identify those traits in myself and others that cause me anger, frustration, and/or stress and then reflect on how those shadows can be better used.

I have known for a long time that I have the problem of being too critical of myself and others. I tend to notice the bad in people before I notice the good. I tend to believe in the worst of humanity before the best. If someone asked me why I analyze and constantly identify people’s flaws, I would say it’s something I can’t control. It’s a reflex. I do it before I even realize what I’m doing. There is a flip side to this critical mindset --I am just as critical of myself as I am to others, probably even more so. I might look at others and notice their flaws, but I have always done my best to give people the benefit of doubt. I might think something like ‘maybe that person is having an off day,’ or ‘maybe this person missed such and such responsibility because of an emergency,’ and so forth. While I cannot seem to turn off my constant evaluation of people, I do consciously try to defend their actions and see things from their perspective because I know that being critical is something I need to work on. Self -awareness and a sense of empathy helps to battle this darker trait within myself. 

However, when it comes to being critical of myself, I give no mercy. Perhaps I give others the benefit of doubt in the hopes that they will do the same for me, because I definitely won’t do it for myself. There is no hiding from yourself, and since I am always aware of what I’m thinking and feeling, I hold myself fully accountable for my actions and my flaws. I then demand improvement, which goes into my perfectionist tendencies. While I think striving for perfection can be an admirable goal from a theoretical perspective, it is impossible to achieve on most accounts and can be quite difficult to manage because you are never satisfied with yourself. I am still learning to accept that having flaws is okay and that imperfection is okay and kind of wonderful (because no one really wants a perfect person). Flaws define us as much as our virtues and are just as important to our character. This reflects one of Dr. Stephanie deLuse’s ways to cope with stress, which is to confront our flaws and to learn to accept them.

Something else that causes me a great deal of stress is expectations. People often hold you to a certain standard of quality in your work and effort, and a large part of me always fears the idea of falling short of these expectations and proving the people who believed in you to be wrong. While this stresses me out, it also works as a great incentive to motivate myself into working and into pushing myself even harder. Yet I need to learn to do things for myself and not just because I don’t want to let anyone down. Too often, it is only other people’s confidence in my abilities that makes me confront challenges I would otherwise not even bother with. This is another stressor in my life that deLuse would say I’d need to reflect on and meet head-on. I need to acknowledge that there are things in my life I could go out and accomplish just because I believed in myself enough to try and because I believed in my own abilities.